Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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