thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
