I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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