He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
