Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm passing your future prison.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
