If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
