he puts the penis in happiness.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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