I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
