if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
