I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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