the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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