According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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