Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
