just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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