put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This is the high leading the old right now
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
