i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
