That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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