I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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