Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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