...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize