You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
