and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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