hell yes lets make some ravioli
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize