well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
