Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
