Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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