i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
