Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
