Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
