And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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