you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
