Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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