already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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