I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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