I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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