I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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