we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
