It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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