Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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