I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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