I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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