I'm so fucking centered right now
one two three fourrrrnication!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You made out with two different species that night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
