Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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