I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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