i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i think i have two assholes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
