I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
