I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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