Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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