i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize