Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
