its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
