someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
