hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
