have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
