Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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