chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize