We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
